lucy holliday

2010-03-14T13:25:00.001-07:00

refresh refresh refresh over and over and over.

the internet brings nothing.

the notion of communicating through the tapping of fingers on plastic keys turns my stomach and yet ironically im using them to say so.

i speak because i can album is making me fall even though the sun is now peeking through clouds.

i wish i was still as creative as i was, things can never be lost, but they can be damaged, i am different now.

is is human nature to do things you dont want to do, just because you cannot get yourself out of the mindset of doing so?

this is peer pressure from my own brain.

no, no lucy dont do that, as i continue to do it.

this is wrong, and i still go ahead.

im a bad influence on myself.

2010-03-14T13:07:00.000-07:00

oh my head,

this isn't a hangover.

the early bird gets the worm.

2010-01-18T10:50:00.000-08:00

I used to be a Capricorn, stolen, a mother bore me with all her love.
Cavities, and tiny portions, shared amongst my fellow orphans.
One always get away.
Neither eye has grown, a pupil, soggy bones, home is where the heart is.
Wave goodbye and wish good tidings, it was good for while it lasted.
I have been moved along.
Well I suppose, it’s better than never my soul, it’s late for the devil.
I must have missed him calling out.
I smile, for the first time ever, my soul, flies through heaven.
The early bird gets the worm.
No time to lose, I am, mute, too experienced the ways, of my words.
Feel an awkward breeze, the bending of my knees.
Rejoice, I am at peace.
Well I suppose, it’s better than never my soul, it’s late for the devil.
I must have missed him calling out.
I smile, for the first time ever, my soul, flies through heaven.
Here I am reborn again.
Till the walls come falling, hand. Much too young to understand.
Nothing ever goes to plan, I’m upsidedown.
Again.
Feel an awkward breeze, the bending of my knees.
Rejoice, I am at peace.
Well I suppose, it’s better than never my soul, it’s late for the devil.
I must have missed him calling out.
I smile, for the first time ever, my soul, flies through heaven.
Here I am reborn, again. Reborn again.

tick tock.

2010-01-10T11:47:00.000-08:00

i need the summer now.
last summer i said, 'i need the winter now'.
i wish each season away as if the next will improve my life like it has some external force and power.
when i find out how, i will at some point just improve it from an internal source.

snow fire and secrets

2010-01-08T00:34:00.000-08:00

viewing snow as an instant cleanser to the soul is wrong, its all subjective.
but seeing as it is subjective, i may as well apply it in the right way.
start new.

snow turns my insides cold.

2010-01-07T12:26:00.000-08:00

i walked a 40 minute walk home with clenched fists, hitting fences , throwing snow, and getting out of breath from anger and walking triple speed, and sucking salt water from my eyelids back inside me so they didnt freeze on my face, and wanting to scream, and shouting in backstreets , and running to force out the hatred, as if my feet moving at a faster pace making louder sounds on the solid icy floor would drown out my shouting conscience; of which i hate to hear.
the temperature is bitter cold, and i am bitter.

note to self.

2009-12-30T14:32:00.001-08:00

hello been a while.
so,am i self absorbed enough to start writing metaphors all over the screen again?

2009-10-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

ive never been at a point before where there is so little inspiration and motivation inside my head, that i cant even bring myself to put into a song how fucking shit everything is.

hi october.

ps;

2009-10-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

the things that seemed closer, were actually further away.
someone strapped invisible binoculars to my eyes.
how sneaky and cruel.

relative.

2009-10-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

quotes that share meaning, quotes that could be quoted against one another from the outside looking in ,quotes all relative.

"I don't want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can't think again. Not ever again.I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."

"It's strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book."
perks of being a wallflower, by stephen chbosky.

i need to stop listening to listening to everything on repeat.

obsessive + neurotic isnt attractive.

100%

2009-09-26T15:43:00.000-07:00

i am a complete mess inside//outside.
therefore au revoir.

holiday holliday

2009-07-31T12:32:00.000-07:00

hopefully days of thinking and writing and thinking and sleeping and seeing and thinking and exploring and thinking and thinking.
away. 14 days. when i return things will be closer, the future will be closer.
i dont know if i want that yet.
i wanted this future a year ago, and wouldve preferred it then,

oh first impressions.
oh first impressions.
oh first impressions.

anti eyes sight.

2009-07-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

today when i got on the bus to get home, my eyes clouded over, but only in parts. my brain cancelled out the consumer brand names on the tops of shops, like in tv programmes when logos have to be blanked out, along with peoples faces. the alliance and leicester sign on a cash machine was blanked, boots was blanked, page and wells blanked, somerfield blanked, and then i was ok. it was as if my brain for about 30 seconds went anti capitalism, anti commercialism, anti consumer.
though it may have been just the beginning of a migraine.

tomato, tomato.

2009-07-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

is being 'nosey', a more sinister description for one that is simply 'curious'?
or, is the word 'curious' sweetly covering the horrendous personality trait of nosiness?

dizzy heads turning mine likewise.

2009-07-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

today i was sitting on a wall, outside the museum and the library. opposite the door in which i come out of after a day at work. the back door to the shop is next to a pub, and due to the summertime season there was a party for all outside in the sunshine, with karaoke and the noise of voices all trying to compete with the music, and each other. i walked out to see a large balding man wearing a grey tshirt with beer down, baggy jeans being held up just with a large belt round a large belly about to pop, a leather jacket with sewn on logos, and a dirty face. through red blood shot eyes, he reached a hand holding a beer out to me and slurred, 'why're you coming out of that door? how did you get in there?' i replied, 'oh i work there', as i moved through the crowd- i dont think he heard me. 5 minutes later after many drunken minds had walked past, looking and shouting at me,he started to walk towards me, at the back of my mind i knew eventually this was going to happen. he said to me, 'give us a smile, GIVE US A SMILE! it could be worse, your could be married to me.. that would be worth being upset about, though we'd be mischievous'
naturally, this comment made me extremely uneasy, not that i judge too much by appearance, but coming from his intoxicated mouth out of anyones, it wasnt the greatest thing to be hearing.
he came and sat down next to be and said, 'who are you waiting for sitting here all alone- your boyfriend?' he paused for a second, 'or girlfriend?' i said, 'oh no, just my mum'. he replied, 'a pretty girl like you not getting picked up by your boyfriend? oh. are you bored with life? getting your mum to pick you up?' i just looked the other way. and said, murmured a 'mm'. he then broke into a speech:
'never give up in life, do everything you do the best you can do it you can do anything you want to do.look at you, you have such blue eyes- (they're actually green)- , and an amazing head of hair colour, i used to have a colour like that, but its gone now, ha, its all gray and gone now. your eyes are so blue you could do anything with eyes like that, and you have a figure to die for so you can do anything. i mean, i like your mum,because shes coming to get you, i dont like your dad, and im going to say that, i dont like your dad ,because he is a man, and all men are bad. oh! oh! i need to go and dance to this song, i cant dance but i , this song. ok, just dont you give up, and say hi to your mum, i love your mum. make sure you have a good life ok, promise me. promise me ok.'

so i promised,
and with that the man was gone, he didnt vanish, but he did slowly stumble back down the small stretch of pavement to the pub.

downpour.

2009-07-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

today it rained. and rained.
the picture above isn't mine, i didnt get a picture of the rain clouds.
i decided last night i would wake at 9 this morning. which i did. but then slept till 11. dozing in and out of sleep, in and out of seeing the clock moving 10 minutes on in the speed of light, every time i opened my eyes the hands had moved like they had feet and were running as fast as possible as soon as my eye lids fell. like the game children play in the playground, where you turn around and face the wall, and people have to try and get to you without you noticing when you turn back around.
but i dragged myself out of bed, and put on jeans. im only writing this down because i never ever wear jeans, so when i choose to, it feels so odd, and changes the dynamics of the day.
and today, it was defiantly different. the river festival. the fair. in the storm and rain. the kind of rain where you dont think it could get harder or louder, and yet it continues to. i got black tears on the waltzer, as my head was fixed to the back of the seat from force in the constant spinning, squeezing tears out my face into my ears. laughing till our stomachs wrenched, it was so hard to cope. we continued to another ride, that tipped us all over the edge of queasiness, far far over. we were so far over the world still felt uneasy underfoot 4 hours later. the rain got so hard, i wanted to record it, took out my camera, couldnt see the settings due to water all around me, tried to take it, get it in focus, and it failed to capture. i looked down and it was all completely soaked, the lens looked like it had been crying for a long time. i took it out at home and tried to clear the smudges, the viewfinder is still misty.
we talked for hours, made plans in the famous red filofax, ate chips+ fillet o'fish. no sauce. not that tartar sauce!
i have so much to write for today, but this much would be too much to share. the rest is to write in the paper pages of my brown book. people that share too much by not keeping anything for themselves have the balance wrong. without thoughts and moments to keep as your own, what will you have left? always cherish whats yours to keep. its not selfishness, its just appreciation.

some thoughts thought today:
1) is 'underground' the british version of the food chain 'subway'?
2) why are there monkeys if we evolved from them?
3) why buy non-alcoholic beer?
4) dont take the camera out in torrential rain again lucy.

the song 'im only sleeping' by the beatles brought my day to a close in perfect timing, finishing spot on as i closed the door into the house, soaked through. my feet still have rain on.

disappointment, vow, sounds, death, silence.

2009-07-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

i brought someone closer to act like a plaster, to help them heal, to help, to be company.
now i hear, silence.
such gratitude.
thankyou.

also, ive decided i need to cut down on sarcastic comments. sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. yet im surrounded by it living in england. dont we all love to complain. turn good bad, and make bad worse by sarcastically commenting on it in a positive light. for example, finding rain the bane of their days, and whenever clouds make an appearance, just wish death upon them, make sure in telling every person they meet, 'lovely weather, at least its not a thunder storm!' just after a thunder clap crashes through the skies. why complain about rain?
things must be right if they rhyme. everything is better when it rhymes.

2 contrasting songs i play in succession of one another.
mr hudson ft. kanye west. supernova. unlike what i tend to put in my ears, but even with auto tuner, its a song that fills me up and overflows, overwhelmes, perfect. (partly may be the fact that i find ben hudson one of the most attractive people, after louis garrel). another plus point, its about stars.

cara dillon cover of black is the colour. i just wish i could wake up one morning, stumble into the shower , start singing- perhaps supernova- and for the voice of cara dillon to come spilling out my mouth. realistically i would probably faint from shock of such a dream coming true, fall over, bang my head and die, meaning that the voice would subsequently be wasted, but then again i suppose in the real world i would never wake up being able to sing like cara dillon.

go silent.
cue orchestrated version.
let goosebumps take over.

anti -standard.

2009-07-21T05:02:00.000-07:00

i hate ABRSM

(associated board of the royal school of music)

20 hour days.

2009-07-20T03:26:00.000-07:00

i didnt sleep last night. well, i fell asleep at 4.30, when all the lorry drivers and milk men were waking up ready for their day. it hasnt been like that for ages and ages, to the point where i toss and turn and the sound of the clock is so loud in my head its all i can hear, and i then start grinding my teeth together to the time of the seconds ticking on and on and on, which makes them feel uneven in my mouth, and so i have to make the balance of the feeling of grinding teeth equal throughout my whole mouth. this then gets to me more. i put the covers over my head to try and escape from the clock (i didnt want to take the batteries out, i hate it being the wrong time, and waking up in a panic that its 2.30 in the day or some ridiculously lazy time like that), and i breathed really loudly to drown it out, which made being under the covers too hot, so i came back out, and much to my despair was greeted by the fucking clock, the seconds sounded like they were laughing at me. i couldnt stand it.
i eventually fell asleep,
and i cant even remember my dream.

18/07/09

2009-07-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

i won. this morning, my camera, my beautiful camera, at 9:54am i became its new mother.
and honestly, i dont believe i am going over the top.

i am sitting in an empty house, in a second i will take myself on a long walk, with music loud in my ear drums tagging along.

black and white and orange.

even though dreaming is for definate in my top 10 of all time of things i love, there is no hiding from the insomnia reflected in my eyes.

one last thing before my mini trek to the woods, make sure you listen to this,

im completly completly completly in love,
with a song. this song.

and now, im off to open and say 'hello again' to my head of thoughts that are all in an alphabeti spaghetti mess, i need to straighten them all out, all the words and ideas and wishes and dreams, and make sure im able to read them, before i let people know what they are, just in case i get it wrong, there is only one chance to get things right.

victory.

2009-07-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

to bidder 5.
i wasnt bidder 5.

i got so angry i couldnt contain myself, snubbed in the last 5 seconds of auction,
so i calmed myself with a banana, and will begin again in 12hours time, when the next olympus om20 is ready for sale.
im telling myself, 'it was meant to be'
and im sure i am taking this much much much more seriously than i should be.

17/07/09

2009-07-17T08:12:00.000-07:00

i've started again.

i always start new beginnings marked by what i consume during the day, its like an unspoken rule of thumb. plus today it was sushi so its clear to me that this new start is going to be an important one.

firstly on a materialistic (yet still important note) , the olympus om20 is near on almost mine, (5 hours 7 minutes left of bidding, however i am confident here, it'll be fine). im already excited about its arrival.

me me materialistic i i i over, ive replaced the picture at the top, that gave off an impression of me me me i love myself myself i i i , alot, so in its place a much more worthy jpeg, italy. i get drawn to italy. the picture isnt even mine, instead from a 'photographs from italy' flickr group pool. it said, this has been viewed 3 times. only 3? and one of those times would be me, and surely one other for the person that took it and uploaded it. so only one other in the whole world/ people that log onto flickr, have seen this. yet its so beautiful. it deserves more 6 eyes to have viewed it. so, if you're reading this, scroll up , go imagine yourself walking through italy in humid yet comfortable heat, with your flip flops flipping and echoing down that street, i imagine at the end with a cafe with proper ice cream, not walls. give it the time of day. look past that text thats blocking it, open your head.

i would love it if everyone opened their heads.
shut heads mean a boring time.

im so scared and worried im going to die and im not going to have achieved all the things i want to do, or felt all the things i want to feel, or said all the things i want to say. you get the idea. and does life involve luck or do you make your own luck? people that have never been in love- is this their fault? or has 'luck' just prevented their life from ever really starting.
i hope im lucky in life.
i always found if i wished for something opposite, i got the opposite, i tricked luck into getting what i really wanted. for example, playing snooker once, i kept saying, "im going to get this one in", and kept missing, so instead said, "ah i wont get this in, i wont i wont" and consequently did. so came up with a theory that saying il lose actually makes me win, as if some luck ghost was floating above me making the snooker balls miss the pot holes when i thought i could do it, and that i could be sneaky and fool this luck ghost.

then again, getting the snooker balls in,
may have just been luck.

12/07/09

2009-07-12T04:54:00.000-07:00

ive spent the whole morning reading an old blog, memories, stories, tales told in a way I had forgotten I could do. I relived so much left sitting in the dusty filing cabinets of thoughts at the back of my head. I compared it to this, and within a year i became beyond materialistic, it made me feel a little sick. im going on a journey backwards, almost, a back into the future way. im going to find me again, im most definatly lost.
come?

ps.

2009-01-25T14:30:00.001-08:00

i gave up trying to save for the vivienne westwood shoes, and bought an ipod touch instead.
and i think its turned out better than i thought it would.

,,

2009-01-25T14:25:00.000-08:00

though i do have alot going on, i'm kind of bored of this, and everything else.
woe fucking woe.
(the above is sarcasm, i promise.)

i need to inject some excitement, or some time travelling machine into life,
or perhaps just some more vitamins.

d-day wasnt d-day.

2009-01-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

audition was today, and it wasnt so bad. i won't get in, only 5 are allowed in from out of the catchment, and 170 applied, but i had fun. i have a meeting with a publishing company on tuesday, life is so good.
just starting.

coming home i felt hungry, dad stopped off and got a medium skinny cinnamon dolche latte with an extra shot of syrup, and then when i felt sick from the extra shot i was allowed to lean my head out the window in the cold watching the stars, my face got pins and needles, and my back got goosebumps watching the sky with this in my ears.

ive never had a day like today before.

over-reaction.

2009-01-18T12:32:00.000-08:00

i have never been so jealous i could be sick, until now,
and i do think i am about to be sick, and im all hot, and clammy, and dont know what to do with my hands.
oh boys and girls and everything inbetween.

investment.

2009-01-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

i am saving for these.
£250, vivienne westwood.
shouldnt be too long, but doing things like loosing my purse in town with £20 cash+ my card in it, well done me.

fold it up flick it out, paper aeroplane.

2009-01-11T11:01:00.000-08:00

today i tidied my wardrobe.

and organised my favorite dvds, books, and cds.

tried to revise, and by the end of it had instead written a song.
this song saw me through my sunday:

alice (c)glass.

2009-01-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

this making my january so much better.
i have an audition in 13 days. in 13 days it will all be over. and decided, and i will know another bit of my future and whether im good enough.

scary.

these make my day everyday.

2009-01-07T06:51:00.001-08:00

that is all,

im off out now to do some recordings of new songs, just watched factory girl, (i didnt get time the other day), a new favorite.

last night i watched marie antoinette, very little lines, but a very good film.

ice ice baby.

2009-01-06T03:39:00.000-08:00

it wont stop snowing.

this is the snow on a car window. i kept putting the window up and down and trying to split it, but then it all fell on my lap.

the rest of this entry will be a mixture.

yesterday in costa coffee, without enough (any) flash.
eleanor spain, amber woolley.

today yesterday in mcdonalds, (i chewed a straw so as to not eat chips).
phebe dwyer, natalie chandler.

london underground w/ unsuspecting eleanor spain.

++ the last of kew, and the constrast journey there.

today i am going to hem a new dress, watch factory girl, do some english revision and go ask boots about the other half of the film and whereabouts it got to.

untitled/ uninspired.

2009-01-05T11:36:00.000-08:00

cory kennedy leaving a lissy trullie gig with a bag signed by karl lagerfield,,

yes. that, is how its done.

its dropping to -10 degrees tonight, and my disposible camera came out with 16 exposures out of the 27 taken; boots let me down bad.
i spent today going through http://www.thecobrasnake.com/ instead of revising, and tomorrow i have the day off. life is ok.

the last supper, school tomorrow.

2009-01-04T13:30:00.000-08:00

ok so i have eaten 5 slices of lemon drizzle cake and already ruined a new years resolution.
il pretend i didnt and start again tomorrow, monday, d-day, exam day, school day.
disgusting.
today i wrote 3 lines of 1500 words i need for my english c/w for tuesday, oh my motivation is 1/10.
++i need to go to london again.

ps; i want to see this, and i need to buy more dvds. and then find the time to watch them.

pps; boring post!
ppps; i want christmas back.

kew.

2009-01-03T14:56:00.000-08:00

this was my first day of the year. kew gardens, ice skating.
my laces dont match.

today i bought 3 dvds; ferris bueller's day off, factory girl, and napoleon dynamite. i wish the hmv sale lasted forever.

i have become a little bit addicted to spending money over the last couple of days. as it comes in, it goes out, and all on clothes. bar the 3 things above. and im not sure if i like it all.

today in the daily mail (i dont like this paper), i read the 'hottest trends of 2009', amongst the list included things such as, "hats will become the new shoes", "topshop new york"; flinging its doors open in March, and new style icons to watch; emma watson, and "stunning Asian model Lakshmi". however, amongst this 'gospel list' read these words, "THIN is in- again. the biggest (smallest) new model on the spring/summer runways was Yulia Chumack, who gives new meaning to the term 'fashion victim'.

the papers one second are blaming media pressure for the rise in eating disorders and the 'need' to be skinny, and the next, they're stating the 'need' is necessary to be in keeping with the 'hot trends of 2009',
my rant for today is;the papers couldn't care for any opinion, or anything, or anyone, only themselves.
as does everyone.
and that makes me a little sad.
rant over.

the 2nd.

2009-01-02T13:25:00.000-08:00

today i went to london, i didnt take many pictures, but i did buy alot of clothes.
i forgot there are so many wonderful people in london that look completely 100% brilliant.

i may as well record my new years resolutions, as everyone does;
1-appreciate
2-be healthy
3-make the year how i see it in my head.

1,2,3,a,b,c,easy?

ps.these: new babys.

its better in the USA.

2008-12-31T04:31:00.000-08:00

lissy trullie. the it girl. not just a tall air-head with good legs and an eye for what pleases the rest, like the rest. but instead writes fucking brilliant music, features in well made videos, and is paired with an equally brilliant guitarist; harley newton.
mix of the velvet underground when collaborating with nico, and the band scanners (www.myspace.com/scanners), making the sound less experimental, more listenable. and im listening alot.
here with the beautiful adam green:

xoxo.

2008-12-30T11:32:00.000-08:00

we love facebook.
car and journeys home in night vision.

had a day of a gossip girl marathon instead of being out in the freezing cold.
i really want to go away on a holiday, and also buy a new camera. 35mm.

addicted to blogging, and starting each day feeling completly different.

2009 is going to be a good year.

give birth to a holga.

2008-12-29T10:31:00.000-08:00

my baby, baby.

i need 2009 to hurry up, and i want to see 2010.

i need to stop eating chocolate, and then cr-eye-ing when i see what ive become.

i need to get a bit of substance back in everything.

passion is accurate.

2008-12-28T07:23:00.000-08:00

im starting again. again.

'you spend so much time on your computer, but you shouldn’t, cause your eyes are getting red. or maybe it’s the… whatever.are you really going to eat that pepperoni pizza? It looks so greasy and your bathroom, it’s more than disgusting.'

run up 2008.

2008-12-23T11:07:00.000-08:00

different than any other.
memorable.
unperfectly perfect.
cliche.
mocha. latte. skinny.
secrets.
disposible parties. disposible cameras.
thoughts.
opinions.
secrets x2.
secrets x3.
panic.
89b.
eleanor.
wedding.
sam.
tree smell.
undiet.
stars.
candles.
christmas.

2008-12-21T04:59:00.000-08:00

i realise now that unit after unit on unit of %% doesnt do anything for my dignity, or my head.

i lost my disposible camera, it had pictures i wanted to keep. maybe it will turn up in the grass, and will be kept.

im going to paint, write, drink water, and look forward to tomorrow.

life goes on,,

watching mamma mia, and i dont understand the hype.

2008-12-19T15:06:00.000-08:00

i have more secrets now.

influence.

2008-12-17T11:38:00.000-08:00

i would love to wake up to me being this.
sandra backlund, swedish, 33.

i would love to wake up and have this.
happy in comfy land, with cliches.

i would love to wake up and feel like it would feel to experience wearing this.
no other.

my materialistic.

17/12/08

2008-12-17T11:00:00.000-08:00

ive been forever.
but this day has to be recorded as the beginning of a new start.
go.

circles.

2008-12-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

i always read the comments on youtube videos.
so, i have lots of opinions in my head, but i dont know which one is mine.
i am opinionated, in the way of, i know lots of opinions.
but i dont know my point of view.
i think?

change.

2008-11-25T13:16:00.000-08:00

i am caring less and less and less and less and less and less about what the outside think.
rekindling love for american bands i left for the unknown british whos demos really are not excellent.
wearing anything, if i really dont want to make effort to look picture perfect.
appreciate appreciate appreciate.
everything is so much better.

half empty.

2008-11-24T13:28:00.000-08:00

maybe if i write it on the internet, it'll come.
i fucking annoy myself all the time.

predicatble sunday's.

2008-11-23T14:17:00.000-08:00

except today i made stew+dumplings. and we didnt eat chicken.

and it snowed. i fell asleep again, and i woke up after a perfect dream, and the rain had rained it away like chalk.

not exciting. the day of rest is never exciting.

#2.

2008-11-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

i enjoy crying but not telling.
i cannot make myself, they would be silly meaningless wasted tears.

people i know.
1-i am going to write another song about you.
2-my daydreams about you mean everything, and are all i have. i wish that wishes came true. and wishing for wishes just defeats the wish in the first place, proving that they dont come true just by being able to think about it.
3- arrogant prick. worst person.
4- i think, the most genuine, giving, loving person i have met.
5- baby, i am here for everything. my best.

i like covers.

everyday.

2008-11-21T11:24:00.000-08:00

im absoulutely freezing. frozen. ice cold.
i hate this.

and i feel the same for repeats on the television.
and the fact that my brother always watches them.

empty (cliché) inside me.

2008-11-12T11:51:00.000-08:00

Main Entry: vacant
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: empty; unoccupied
Synonyms: abandoned, available, bare, clear, deserted, devoid, disengaged, free, idle, not in use, stark, tenantless, to let, unemployed, unengaged, unfilled, uninhabited, unlived in, untaken, untenanted, unused, void, without contents
Antonyms: full, occupied, overflowing

sign language.

2008-11-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

fuck this. let me sleep and sleep and sleep forever.
im not even sure if you want to know.

look at all the time laying on the floor.

2008-11-09T11:50:00.000-08:00

today was strange. i found two biscuit tins full of old photographs, so i tipped them out and pictured each one as they were being taken, i then soaked in a bath, and all of this to radiohead. so by the end i was a little bit depressed, and a little bit too deep. i had a bagel and watched narnia in the dark. i then deleted myspace and watched britannia high eating tomato bread.
i like days that are mini turning points. though i feel quite uncomfortable, and a bit irrational.

2008-11-08T14:39:00.000-08:00

i think if i had the chance at this moment in time to cut my feet off i would. standing for 8 hours, walking at a fast pace around around and making me dizzy and thirsty. with growing pains in my ankles too= a wake up call.
today i dont like my dad.
tomorrow he is not here.
so by monday i wont even remember.

eleanor, oh friday was 7 hours of really really brilliant favorite such good fun.
with my favorite.
coffee, fur, dark, fizzy cherries, chats about secrets, secret chats, cold, old orleans, film, 12,
u babe.

remember,remember.

2008-11-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

cold. warm. gingerbread latte, skimmed milk. eleanor. katrina (katherine im so sorry). imogen. bang. bang. bang. glitter. soup. mud. rain. puddles.

people take life too seriously.

2008-11-04T10:54:00.000-08:00

this is funny.

100% splurge.

2008-11-03T12:06:00.000-08:00

today was mixed. school was a complete waste of time as per. however after school was more than perfect. into town i spent 15 minutes doubled over walking at the same time with lucy talking about slithering away from a relationship, and then met eleanor. its dark and there is misty rain as the air. i dont care that i get wavy hair or wet feet or bad skin in it, or lbs from the gingerbread latte's, because everything that comes out of it feels better than all the superficial worries.

i want to make movie moments this christmas, and i want to make new years resolutions at new year, and keep them for as long as possible. i want to remember to pick up my library books, and remember to get them back in time, and i want to rememeber to appreciate everything, and enjoy moments knowing they will go by and not come again.

this is what i want.
also to keep the people that are my favorites feeling special.

november/forever favorites.

2008-11-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

i have my best, fremmy, eleanor, my best.

dreamer.

2008-11-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

started my job at h&m today. i will try to be less shy. i am thankful the people are lovely. i wish i was extroverted and brilliant. but i did enjoy even the tidying. £££££££££££££.

i got a chocolate cookie latte, i probably wont buy another. i want to try maple syrup latte next.

danny got an offer from dazed+confused.

the clouds are so good all the time in autumn.

im making a concious effort not to be a prick.

monotone.

2008-10-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

i really like lace. but i really dont like my thoughtlessness.

and how i cover it with words.

pixels+papercuts.

2008-10-29T12:22:00.000-07:00

i dont know if im mellow, thankful, appreciative, jealous, confused, angry, happy, excited, bored, or just a completely stupid annoying person.

but i know what i want due to too much time spent daydreaming.

and i know the people that i love.

cliche. forte.

2008-10-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

you wait your turn in the queue
you say your sorry's and thankyou's
i dont think you're ever 100% in the room.

lisa mitchell.
neopolitan dreams.

start.

2008-10-20T09:36:00.000-07:00

my frame of mind keeps changing. im holding it in one place by remembering to appreciate everything.
i never know if i am being stupid, pretentious, or just unnecessary in these.
today walking to the bus stop there was a girl in year 7 walking a little way in front of me with her skirt tucked into her knickers. i wondered whether i should catch up and tell her, but thought no, i would be more embarassed if i was her and i knew.
i think ignorance is sometimes better, and im wondering whether lying to someone is just a different way of letting them be happy in ignorance? this time them being my parents.
i forgot to put sugar in my coffee today, and was glad.

i want to see london pairs and stockholm in one round trip.
be this.

+these times but with the cold, gingerbread latte, christmas, and better priorities are coming.

i am excited.